Baby demands I bow to obey her every instruction on my special day. Yes, Your Majesty. Has there been a moment of defiance in my history? But hold, where are we going to celebrate it? We are airport bound…without a passport!

Here we are. Instead of trespassing on the gates,we turn to a hotel just outside the airport. “We are on a cruise voyage for the Caribbean, my slave. Hold my handbag.” Baby says. Cruise voyage, interesting. And it’s even more so when the destination has, according to the Hollywood movie, inhabited pirates. Will we be able to see Johnny Depp?

 No we won’t. Actually there is no cruise or any water around. It is a hotel event trying to catch the latest cruise fever in Hong Kong. In the theme of a cruise, the hotel is adorned with life buoys everywhere and palm trees ocassionally, and its staff members are dressed as marine crews. Now I understand baby, let’s pretend it’s real.

At the counter is a woman “captain” who helps us check in. Which floor? I ask. Which DECK, baby corrects me. Very well. So, which “cabin”? The “cabins” are aligned along a narrow corridor, which reminds me of the movie Titanic. The difference is we are truly unsinkable this time. Jack and Rose must cast a green eye on us.

Apart from routine services, the hotel actually offers its guests some activities to attend, lest they get stranded in the voyage. We, for example, have chosen to attend a “Chinese culinary class” and a “couple massage class”. The culinary class is totally a joke. No fire or aprons, no meat or veggies, our ingredients are no more than three lumps of dough carrying distinctive colours. What we are taught to do is to make a corn and a pumpkin with these dough lumps. So, how about the cooking part? Not a slightest trace. The only connection with culinary I can conceive of is the dough itself, which is said to be the actual material to make the wrappings for shrimp dumplings and therefore is truly edible. Disappointed? No way. Not a thing is real here anyway. Just recall our motto: Let’s pretend it’s real! Enthusiastically, we play like kindergarten kids rolling Play-Doh. Despite being slightly over-aged, we actually find the craft very challenging. Nightmares are the art lessons of my school years when I spoiled every piece of class work with my pair of clumsy hands. Now these nightmares come back to haunt me, for obviously my craftsmanship doesn’t improve with my height or weight. In the end we manage to roll out the genetically mutated corn and pumpkin, so to speak, and compel the chef to compliment on our achievement.

Meanwhile, the massage class, although highly anticipated, is forgone. We already feel the air of extreme oddity as we are sitting at the waiting room together with a few more couples. I begin to shiver when I imagine we will be practicing massage in front of each other. “Shall we go back to our lovely cabin, Your Majesty?” begs her poor slave, “I’ll massage you everywhere with exclusive gentility.” “Approved”, says baby, and happily we return.

Indeed there are plenty of entertainments, yet the killer feature of our package is none of the above. It’s the Fooooooood. We are given 5 tickets each as passes to the hotel café, together they elapse an astonishing 24 hours. That is to say, theoretically you can eat day and night at the café without a pause. In line with our principle “paid money is paid”, we cheapskates of course eat as much as we can until we can barely stand up. Having beaten the amply served lunch snack and dinner buffet, we are facing with the supper snack. “No baby, dinner buffet was just two hours ago.” I surrender. “Yes we can, com’on.” With Her decree descending on me, I am dragged to the café again. I have to say baby’s appetite is staggering. While I am struggling with the second bowl of beef porridge, she has already finished a round of every type of food available. And whenever refills arrive she her strength regenerates. Looking in disbelieve, I would put this as the best performing act for the year. Everybody, please give applause.

 What we did miss in the end was the breakfast, not because we are unable to beat it, but we actually overslept. So having enjoyed the last snack, which is the lightest with only breads and spring rolls alike are offered, we conclude our voyage checking out before a Caucasian captain who has a clear-cut face. His charming smile lingering in the mind of my baby, she later takes it home as a souvenir of the Caribbean.